By Guest Blogger Dr. Trina Read
“Marriage, if it is to survive, must be treated as the beginning, not as the happy ending….
Federico Fellini
There was a pregnant pause over the phone line and then a confused, “Sex once a week…? That’s the challenge?” With a deep sigh, I had to admit that even to my own ears it sounded pretty lame.
How could I explain to my (childless) friend that taking a shower once a week was an exercise in time management gymnastics—and a much higher priority than sex?
“Let me tell you about a typical week” I ventured. Every single piece of my clothing is covered in snot, spit up and drool. Both my kids are usually sick with whatever is going around which means that they neither are sleeping at night and both have diarrhea. (I’m sick too but that’s irrelevant when you’re a new mom.) The last time I got four straight hours of sleep was three and a half years ago. Some days I’m so completely exhausted that I wonder where I will get the strength to make it through the rest of the day.
Throughout my day, I’m simultaneously trying to meet work deadlines and keep my super rambunctious toddler from throwing legos at my newborn’s head. All the while doing a thousand one tiny, mind numbing chores that once accomplished, need to be done again the very next day.
Even though I’m back to my regular weight, I can’t bare to look at myself naked in the mirror. If I wear my ‘good’ clothes around the kids they will be completely destroyed, so I wear worn out sweats that neither enhance my self-esteem nor my figure.
At night my husband and I sit at the dinner table trying to make conversation—and sometimes we do—but mostly we’re too busy accommodating the children’s demand for attention. Every hour of daylight (and especially during supper) there’s someone screaming, barking (my dogs), crying, breastfeeding, fussing, or looking for ‘negative’ attention.
Finding time to have sex is the act of sorting out an intricate puzzle of four people’s diverse itineraries. Having sex means doing it in fifteen minutes (or less), before one of the kids wake up, or waiting until the late hours of the evening at which time I’m exhausted from my day.
Truly, I could go on and on about this but even I get sick of hearing myself complain.
“So, um, yes. Sex once a week. That’s the challenge,” I replied, desperate to not feel sexually inadequate.
At the same time feeling a pang of anger that there’s so much pressure to have sex, be sexy and sexual. All that pressure is such a turn off to sex.
Besides, the whole idea behind the Six Month Sex Challenge wasn’t to prove that I could have wild, crazy sex every single day after baby—which, quite frankly, I’m not sure I could. Doing that kind of challenge would only serve to make every other couple with a small baby feel inadequate about their own sex life.
No, I did this challenge to get my sex life back on track and show couples what a healthy and realistic sex life can look like after baby is born.
I’ll be quite honest, there were weeks that the only reason I had sex was to fulfill the challenge. Many, many weeks it was a precarious balancing act of figuring out a time, getting kids to sleep, trying to get in the mood.
But one thing I know for sure. It was worth every second. Not just because of the sex. I was forced to think about how my sex life was going to be. I had to think of exciting things to do. I had to look for times to have sex. I initiated sex (not like that was a big deal…but even so).
Six months after my child is born and my husband and I have a solid sex life. Notice I didn’t say perfect sex life. It’s not perfect. Nor do I expect it ever will be perfect. But we are connected as a couple and are in a healthy space to make sex work.
And for me that’s the holy grail of a long term relationship: to have hope that sex will be an important aspect of your relationship now and twenty years from now.
That’s what I hope for you with my new website, Have Sex After Kids.com.
For you to figure out in your own relationship how to have a realistic and happy sex life that works for you.
*Six Month Sex Challenge
For six months after my second son was born, I attempted to have sex at least once a week with my husband…and then I blogged about it. Go to http://trinaread.com/blog to read what happened.
Dr. Trina has a new web-site www.havesexafterkids.com and helps parents who are looking to reconnect after having kids.
Back to speak at our next Pajama Party by popular demand Dr. Trina's session will help you get your Sexy Mojo back!
