Girl Talk

A Look Back at my Six Month Sex Challenge *

By Guest Blogger Dr. Trina Read

  

“Marriage, if it is to survive, must be treated as the beginning, not as the happy ending….

Federico Fellini 

There was a pregnant pause over the phone line and then a confused, “Sex once a week…? That’s the challenge?” With a deep sigh, I had to admit that even to my own ears it sounded pretty lame.

How could I explain to my (childless) friend that taking a shower once a week was an exercise in time management gymnastics—and a much higher priority than sex?

“Let me tell you about a typical week” I ventured. Every single piece of my clothing is covered in snot, spit up and drool. Both my kids are usually sick with whatever is going around which means that they neither are sleeping at night and both have diarrhea. (I’m sick too but that’s irrelevant when you’re a new mom.) The last time I got four straight hours of sleep was three and a half years ago. Some days I’m so completely exhausted that I wonder where I will get the strength to make it through the rest of the day.

Throughout my day, I’m simultaneously trying to meet work deadlines and keep my super rambunctious toddler from throwing legos at my newborn’s head. All the while doing a thousand one tiny, mind numbing chores that once accomplished, need to be done again the very next day.

Even though I’m back to my regular weight, I can’t bare to look at myself naked in the mirror. If I wear my ‘good’ clothes around the kids they will be completely destroyed, so I wear worn out sweats that neither enhance my self-esteem nor my figure.

At night my husband and I sit at the dinner table trying to make conversation—and sometimes we do—but mostly we’re too busy accommodating the children’s demand for attention. Every hour of daylight (and especially during supper) there’s someone screaming, barking (my dogs), crying, breastfeeding, fussing, or looking for ‘negative’ attention.

Finding time to have sex is the act of sorting out an intricate puzzle of four people’s diverse itineraries. Having sex means doing it in fifteen minutes (or less), before one of the kids wake up, or waiting until the late hours of the evening at which time I’m exhausted from my day.

Truly, I could go on and on about this but even I get sick of hearing myself complain.

“So, um, yes. Sex once a week. That’s the challenge,” I replied, desperate to not feel sexually inadequate.

At the same time feeling a pang of anger that there’s so much pressure to have sex, be sexy and sexual. All that pressure is such a turn off to sex.

Besides, the whole idea behind the Six Month Sex Challenge wasn’t to prove that I could have wild, crazy sex every single day after baby—which, quite frankly, I’m not sure I could. Doing that kind of challenge would only serve to make every other couple with a small baby feel inadequate about their own sex life.

No, I did this challenge to get my sex life back on track and show couples what a healthy and realistic sex life can look like after baby is born.

I’ll be quite honest, there were weeks that the only reason I had sex was to fulfill the challenge. Many, many weeks it was a precarious balancing act of figuring out a time, getting kids to sleep, trying to get in the mood.

But one thing I know for sure. It was worth every second. Not just because of the sex. I was forced to think about how my sex life was going to be. I had to think of exciting things to do. I had to look for times to have sex. I initiated sex (not like that was a big deal…but even so).

Six months after my child is born and my husband and I have a solid sex life. Notice I didn’t say perfect sex life. It’s not perfect. Nor do I expect it ever will be perfect. But we are connected as a couple and are in a healthy space to make sex work.

And for me that’s the holy grail of a long term relationship: to have hope that sex will be an important aspect of your relationship now and twenty years from now.

That’s what I hope for you with my new website, Have Sex After Kids.com.

For you to figure out in your own relationship how to have a realistic and happy sex life that works for you.

 *Six Month Sex Challenge

For six months after my second son was born, I attempted to have sex at least once a week with my husband…and then I blogged about it. Go to http://trinaread.com/blog to read what happened.

Dr. Trina has a new web-site www.havesexafterkids.com and helps parents who are looking to reconnect after having kids.

Back to speak at our next Pajama Party by popular demand Dr. Trina's session will help you get your Sexy Mojo back!

 

 

 

What are you going to STOP doing in 2010?

On the eve of a New Year and a new decade our minds are full of resolutions and our thoughts about what we are going to do and accomplish in the upcoming months are powerful. Here is a new perspective. Find out more about Stephanie Staples at www.yourlifeunlimited.ca and attend her session at the next Pajama Party in Jasper, March 12-14, 2010

When to Give Up
by Stephanie Staples

Give up! No way, never, never, never say coaches and motivational speakers everywhere. Not me - this coach and motivational speaker says you need to know WHEN to 'give up'.

Self taught brilliant musicians abound in my family. Sadly that gene missed me. Try and try as I might, I do not have the ear to play and despite picking up my lonely guitar year after year, hammering out the same six cords and putting up with sore fingers, the guitar has won and I have lost.

It sits sadly in the corner and whispers 'quitter' every time I walk by. Shut up I say.

But today, it wins. Today it moves to the home of someone who will love it, the way it deserves to be loved.

There are people who can make beautiful music and there are people who can admire beautiful music. Some lucky folks can even do both. Today and forever more, I choose to be an admirer of music-not a maker of music.

I feel happy with my decision, I feel content that this is the right thing to do and the right time to do it. I am saying no to this guitar to make room for an absolute YES to something else. Yeah.

As the new decade approaches, what do you need to say "when" to now, in order to make room for something AWESOME in 2010?

Getting to the Good Things

Every December I am always amazed at how quickly the year went. I spend some time reflecting on the events and accomplishments of the past year and realize there were so many more things that I wanted to do. I realize that I have met and exceeded most of my business goals for 2009. It didn't even seem that hard really, it just took a steady focus. The world really helps by holding me accountable. There are reminders and deadlines. No success = no money. Now that's motivation.

The news isn't as positive when it came to taking care of me. It's yet another year that I didn't put a focus on my health - you know, lose the weight, eat better, exercise more and increase my energy. It's not that I don't think about it, the problem is that is all I do about it. I just never seem to get to it. To be honest, it's not even a lack of time. It's a lack of motivation and focus.

Apparently, it's not just me. Michelle Cederberg tells us that millions of people across North America are regularly putting their dreams on the shelf telling themselves I'll get to it when... when in fact all we need to do is take small steps toward big changes. Her philosopjy is that "it's not the doing that is tough, it's getting to it" and that "doing on any level is better than thinking about going big." She has earned her reputation as the "Getting to it Guru" because she helps you figure that out.

Michelle Cederberg has been working as a lifestyle coach, educator, author and speaker since 1990. In her presentations she shares her experiences and insights in a humorous and realistic way. I love her guilt free approach to shifting priorities and getting to the good things in life. Every time I hear her present at The Pajama Party I'm inspired, but after a few days the focus wears off because I fall off the wagon by distracting myself with low priority tasks and fritter time away as I go back to old habits.

"Bad habits are easy to develop but hard to live with. 
Good habits are hard to develop by easy to live with."

-Brian Tracy

Michelle's new book GOT TO IT! is a 365 Day Journal for Getting to the Good Things.

It's the daily reminder we need. By taking a few minutes each morning to connect with yourself and write in one "get to it goal" for that day and then check-in weekly. Each daily and weekly goal will get you one small step closer to the big change you want. It doesn't really matter what you want to focus on - exercise, getting healthy, building a business, doing more leisure activites or having more time with family and friends, the principles Michelle shares will set you up for success.

I'm going to start to journal today. After all I have nothing to lose but another year of not doing it.

Find out more about Michelle and order your copy at www.michellecederberg.com